Every parent knows bullying behaviors are rampant in our schools and communities. We teach our kids ways to stay safe and to avoid becoming a victim. What most parents don’t expect is that their own child may be bullying others. When confronted with this troubling information, parents may at first respond by thinking, “It’s just normal playground behavior” or “Boys will be boys.” It hurts to realize that one’s child is making life difficult for others.

Bullying is defined as mean-spirited, harmful behavior. It is the use of power over someone perceived as less powerful or lower in status. It is intentional, not accidental. It can be physical or verbal and has far-reaching consequences for both the victim and the bully.

It may be surprising to learn that many bullies are the “popular” kids — the children who are good-looking, good at sports and who set the tone for group behaviors. They have the power and don’t want to risk losing it.

The question is why? Why do some kids choose to hurt others by physically attacking them or by harassing them in other ways? Psychologists say kids bully because:

• They have learned by copying aggressive behaviors early in life, and they lack problem-solving skills.
• They have been exposed to violent conduct glamorized in music, games, television and movies.
• They have witnessed conflict and punishment at home, learning that such behavior is acceptable.
• It gives them a sense of power and status with friends.
• They have poor self-control.
• They are being bullied or abused themselves.

Once parents receive and accept the truth about their child’s behavior, the question becomes “What do we do?” Studies have shown that punishment for bullying behaviors is seldom successful. Once the detention or suspension is completed, the same behaviors re-occur. And apologizing to the victims also is not a helpful intervention.

Bullying is not an easy problem to fix. It grows out of layers of problematic understandings, relationships and learned responses. It also may be related to some medical conditions. So, when parents first become aware of the problem, they may need some help. Here are some ways to address the problems:

• Sit down with your child and discuss the problem. Share the information given to you and listen to your child’s responses. Be sure to talk in specifics, such as what was said and done.
• Let your child know your family does not endorse any form of bullying, whether it is physical, social or done online. Role-playing ways to interact peacefully may be helpful for younger children.
• Discuss your child’s friendships and whether they contribute to bullying behaviors.
• Make an effort to engage in positive activities in the community where your child can find success. Sports, drama, music or other activities may provide opportunities for healthy interactions with others. Limit entertainment that glorifies violent behaviors.
• Consider getting a medical examination to rule out any underlying conditions such as ADHD (attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder) or autism.
• Find out if your child’s behavior stems from being hurt by others.
• Teach what it means to feel empathy for others. Talk about how their bullying behaviors have affected the victims.
• Consider getting help from a skilled professional such as a psychologist or counselor.

Learning your child is a bully can be very traumatic but accepting that reality is the first step to making positive changes for your entire family. Resolving to get to the root of the problems, finding appropriate support, and making a plan to improve interactions with others will go a long way toward curtailing your child’s bullying behaviors.

Jan Pierce, M.Ed., is a retired teacher and author of “Homegrown Readers and Homegrown Family Fun.” Find Jan at janpierce.net.

Resources

U.S. Department of Health and Human Services: stopbullying.gov

National Bullying Prevention Center: pacer.org/bullying/about

STOMP Out Bullying: stompoutbullying.org